Guaranteed Perfect Spoken and Written English
Perfect Transposition and Perfect Rendition
into Perfect English
Perfectly Suited to Every Situation and Occasion
For Native Speakers of Spanish, English and Some Other Languages
(+34) 624 138 796 (phone, SMS, Whatsapp) richardj@protonmail.com
All your Perfect English needs supplied to order,
just the way you want it.
You choose the level, the scheduling, the detail, the price…
Isn't it time to get it right?
FOR SPORT • ART • LITERATURE • SCIENCE • MUSIC • FILM • RADIO • TELEVISION • ROMANCE • SOCIAL LIFE • LEISURE • HOBBIES • POLITICS • EDUCATION • PROFESSIONS • BUSINESS • LAW • MEDICINE • HOME • CAREER ETC.
I'm Richard Szrabe, a native English speaker from London, England. London is my home town and English is my mother tongue.
Naturally I speak and write perfect:-
colloquial,
technical,
professional,
commercial,
legal,
medical,
scientific,
academic,
formal,
intellectual and
literary English, among others.
I'm a retired lawyer fully familiar with using my perfect English:-
ON RADIO AND TV
BBC World Service radio (hundreds of millions of listeners; live, unscripted, unrehearsed)
English and American television.
IN BOOKS, ARTICLES
For free, you can download some of my technical law books and articles here.
IN CONFERENCES
in England and America on international business, finance and law.
IN LAW PRACTICE
as a barrister, latterly at 13 Old Square Chambers, Lincoln's Inn, London.
SUMMARY
I'm your one-stop shop for perfect English:-
PERFECT SPOKEN ENGLISH FOR:-
informal conversation
formal interaction
your radio, TV and video appearances, interviews, narrations, voice-overs
participating in podcasts
directing videos
anywhere else you want to speak and talk.
PERFECT WRITTEN ENGLISH FOR:-
books
articles
business communications
blogs
scripts
anything else you want to write.
'Perfect English' certificate available for documents etc.
PERFECT READ ENGLISH FOR:-
books
articles
newspapers
documents
websites
blogs
anything else you want to read.
PERFECTLY UNDERSTOOD ENGLISH FOR:-
films, movies
theatre, theater
anything else in English that you want to comprehensively comprehend.
LEVELS
Perfect English finely tuned to you:-
INTERMEDIATE
superficial social media engagement
students taking English courses, preparing for English exams
ADVANCED
first-rate everyday English: you won't regret having it to hand
technical interaction on equal terms with professionals (lawyers, doctors etc.), businesses (insurance cos., banks, etc.), employers etc.: get straight to the point
technical complaints
university students studying English language, English literature, etc.
teachers of English.
PROFESSIONAL
translators
accountants
doctors, surgeons, vets
insurers, brokers
banks
lawyers
scientists
government, official
commercial agents, gestors, asesors
other businesses.
ROCKET SCIENCE
The very highest levels of perfect technical, nuanced, creative English. I'm your intellectual partner.
SOME BASICS
Getting started, setting up, looking forward:-
CONTACT ME
Phone, SMS, Whatsapp (+34) 624 138 796
email me: richardj@protonmail.com.
Contact me for a free exploratory discussion and we'll put together your personalised customised programme.
SCHEDULE, PAY
Everything is scheduled manually to mutually suit. I don't use online calendars
My fees are mostly negotiable
You can pay by card and or bank transfer.
EXTRAS
Richard's Perfect English Club: by invitation
money-back quality guarantee
No Google translate
No AI.
ASSOCIATES
I'm looking for local associates. To discuss, email me: richardj@protonmail.com.
PROCEDURE
How we work together:-
ZOOM
Simple. Easy. No travelling. Wherever you are in the world. We'll use Zoom for speaking, talking, discussing and listening.
Email me at any time to discuss anything. We'll use email and similar to transmit documents.
WORD PROCESSING
For written English, we can use email, Word, OpenOffice, etc.
STORAGE
If lots of documents are involved, we can use Dropbox or similar. Useful for academics, businesses, lawyers etc.
CONFIGURATIONS
How I deliver my services to you:-
ONE-ON-ONE AND GROUP SESSIONS
Any number of participants between 1 and 10. Why not assemble your own group!
Suggestions below.
ONE-OFF ASSISTANCE
Any stand-alone situation in which perfect English is not negotiable:-
an urgent letter
a resumé, a CV
a doctoral thesis
a book, chapter or article
a presentation
a website
a business brochure
a draft advertisement
a business contract
a loan agreement
a house or car purchase an official transaction
a problematic professional translation, etc.
Prices start at 65€.
'Perfect English' certificate available for documents, etc.
Overnight and urgent service available.
RETAINER ARRANGEMENT
A continuous relationship over a period of from 2 weeks to several months. I'm in the background and foreground, on call and on hand to help throughout. Suitable for:-
professional translators
authors
teachers
lawyers
doctors
insurance businesses
banks
gestorias, asesorias
international businesses
website developers
online freelancers, etc.
Fixed fees start at 350€.
SPECIALS
guest appearances at language schools
job interview rehearsals, support
business meetings, negotiations rehearsals, support
voice-overs: I do them, you do them
radio and TV preparation
website drafting
help writing, producing and directing plays, movies
ANYTHING ELSE?! Just tell me what you want and we'll discuss it, price it, agree it, schedule it, and get on with it.
Here are four SESSION suggestions.
Sessions are available one-on-one or for groups of up to 10 participants.
15% discount for any group over four people.
FOUR SESSIONS
One 60-minute session twice a week for 2 weeks: a total of 4 hours.
65€ per person per session.
SIX SESSIONS
One 60-minute session twice a week for 3 weeks: a total of 6 hours.
50€ per person per session.
IMMERSION
One 60-minute session every day for two weeks: a total of 14 hours.
40€ per person per session.
TRIAL
We start with one 30-minute session and take it from there.
40€ per person.
CONTENT
Some of my guaranteed perfect English services:-
SPEAKING
delivery, vocabulary, manner
small talk
inane café chit-chat
polite conversation
technical conversation
business conversation
boring vs interesting
loquacious, garrulous
when to stop talking
speed, volume, persona, pose, affectation
agreeable, disagreeable and insufferable modulations and inflexions
functional, dysfunctional and asphyxiated peroration
the rules of effective English dialogue and monologue
the ideal English voice.
VIEWING, LISTENING
partial understanding
full understanding
deep understanding
pretending to understand
all kinds of situations and media
euphonic and dysphonic English voices: 1950s BBC English; the archive.org and other archives of spoken English
WRITING
presentation
layout
numbered paragraphs
precision
style
social media
marketing literature
business correspondence
contracts
marketing literature
publicity
sales documents
corporate reports and accounts.
'Perfect English' certificate available for documents etc.
READING
English and or American newspapers, newsletters, magazines, articles, websites, social media
old and modern English and or American prose, poetry
famous English and or American authors of your choice. We can pick a book, or play, and read our way through it. I can point out and explain what you might otherwise miss.
MORE DETAIL
For all your perfect English needs:-
WRITTEN ENGLISH +
practising
correcting
reviewing
revising
drafting
polishing
finalising
SPOKEN ENGLISH +
practising, with special attention to:-
accent by social class, region
nuances
dialects
pronunciation
enunciation
cultural and local subtleties
authentic vs pretentious
interviews, meetings, public speaking, radio and television.
SOCIAL ENGLISH
superficial
romantic
casual
serious
political
technical.
BUSINESS ENGLISH
interviews
meetings
presentations
correspondence
marketing
sales literature
publicity, promotion
drafting
terms of business
bills and billing narratives.
WELL ROUNDED
You get the works:-
DEFINITIONS
etymology
meanings
senses
literal vs not literal
formal vs informal
general vs technical
clarity, precision
ambiguity
subtleties, nuances
express, explicit, implied, implicit, inherent, exherent
connotations, insinuations, imputations
the mot juste
pretentious, presumptuous, pompous, archaic, obsolete, garrulous, verbose English
manipulating meaning and sense by how you construct and punctuate a sentence and where you place it
under-statement, over-statement
undertones, overtones
inhibition, exhibition
'erudition' is a dirty word
loose vs tight translation
translation vs transmission
defects and deficiencies of multilingual dictionaries
English mistakes commonly made by professional foreign translators.
CONTEXT
English temper, temperament and temperance
expectations, impressions
advocacy, rhetoric, persuasion
sales talk, sales pitch
neutral, partial
objective, subjective
pretentiousness, incompetence
levels of intelligence, insight, intuition, instinct, education, sophistication
English and American mentalities: culture shock
business vs social
movie, theatre, theater vs real life
relationships vs transactions
irony, sarcasm
humour, humor, levity
European and other cultural, social, political unpleasantness:-
English life has no 'norms'
'solidarity' and 'unity' are largely unknown in English life
insensitive, incorrect use of the word 'must'
avoiding misunderstanding
the notion of hiring a foreign translator to translate into, and to write, perfect English.
DICTION
pronunciation, enunciation
errors in pronunciation
spectrum of pronounced and enunciated meanings, senses
various English accents
various American accents
English accents according to geography, education, intelligence, situation
manner, manners, mannerisms
affectation, elocution, pose, pretense, impersonation
the sensation and use of rationality and emotion in English
English spoken and written calmly, sensibly, moderately, in the right voice: no machine-gun European polysyllaballistics.
OTHER
thinking in English, and English thinking
the importance of proper breathing
etiquette when speaking English:-
never wag your finger
never call an irrational situation 'complicated'
use hand gestures sparingly
do not snort, huff, shrug, blurt, puff
eschew excitable, tense, officious, spluttering, self-indulgent delivery
eschew pomposity, bombast, gravity, self-importance, display
know when to stop talking
certain taciturn English types prefer laconic, terse
silent communication in English
English within and between generations
fashions in English
English as a global second language
online English
monosyllables vs polysyllables
brevity, concision
the art and science of punctuation.
One wrong word,
one mispronunciation,
one inapposition
will expose your false claim to fluency in English!
A MISCELLANY
Now that I think about it:-
You might be wondering about the possible tautologies inherent in 'perfect transposition and perfect rendition into perfect English' (to say nothing of the various senses of 'perfect', and we haven't begun to talk about procedurally and substantively perfect English). Here's my thinking about the phrase — let's assume you've decided upon it — 'I love you' as originally uttered in Spanish, English, Cantonese or 15th-century Buntu:-
perfectly transposed into perfect English: 'I love you'
imperfectly transposed into perfect English: 'I hate you'
perfectly transposed into imperfect English: "Wotcha, you'll do n'all innit"
imperfectly transposed into imperfect English: 'The reigns in Spane stays mainly, on hippopotamus let' (I observe procedural and substantive imperfections there. How many have you counted?)
Let's touch on the distinction between Richard's guaranteed procedurally and substantively perfect English:-
procedurally perfect (how to say it): I assist you to perfectly transpose into perfect English text of your own decided origination
substantively perfect (what to say): I assist you to perfectly render into perfect English substance that you may not already have thought of. Whatever the need, I can help you formulate something suitable. I'm very good at putting the right technical things into the right technical words. This service amounts or is close to counselling and or advice. Enjoy!
What's the different in meaning and sense between "I look forward to it' and 'I am looking forward to it'; why, where, when and how does it matter, and who really cares? (note the judicious use of the semi-colon)
English appears — I wouldn't know — to be a challenging language even for some native English speakers, some of whose dared essays into the depths of expressive spoken and written English are piteously shallow (which may explain the Englishman of few words, as bad teeth explain the closed-mouth smirk in some English portraiture and the tendency of upper-class English to smile with downturned lips). Hence my offer of perfect English to native English speakers, on the lines of the Ajami scribe. The service comes close to advice where the customer needs something highly technical — I do that — and doesn't know how to frame it
It is questionable business to hire a foreigner for a professional translation into English. I don't believe I've ever heard or read perfect English from a professional foreign translator. Usually the translation, delivered theatrically and with due self-importance, is frankly erroneous, materially misleading, culturally insensate, robotic, grandiose, pompous, pretentious, oppressively officious, ungainly, obtuse, superficial, illiterate, unlettered, flat, entirely lacking in intelligence, insight and finesse and otherwise incompetent. Sometimes it is outright nonsense. (For a few pennies less or more, you could have had multiply perfect English from the right sort of native English speaker)
Even if the situation, occasion, context, circumstances and need are all absolutely clear, there is often no one way — and sometimes there may be no way — to perfectly translate into perfect English (perfect English does not necessarily connote a perfect translation). Difficult enough for a native Englishman to express himself in his mother tongue, it is all the more intricate to effectually, efficaciously transpose into English an idea that starts by being singly or multiply foreign. For the huge scope for variations in tone, colour, sense, purpose, purport and meaning in translations into English by those who are native English speakers, compare David Barrett (ancient Greek) and J.M. Cohen (French and Spanish) with their respective competitors
Failure to correctly pronounce the letter 's' — a common defect of European obstinacy (barring some physical impediment)
Failure to correctly pronounce either iteration — as in 'The thing' — of 'th'. The French say 'z' and 's' respectively ('ze sing'). It won't do
Mis-using 'that' for 'which'
Mis-using 'will' for 'shall'
Mis-using 'should'
The thoughtless placement of 'not'. ('Try not to do that' vs 'Try to not do that': there's a material difference, if you're attuned to it)
Talking 'with' someone. A common mistake. In English, one never talks 'with' anyone. (One does 'have a talk with' someone, and one even 'has a talk to' someone, but — as well as being utterly different from each other — they are entirely different from merely talking to someone)
Using the past past ('I went…', I ate…', 'I visited…', 'were') erroneously for the present past (respectively, 'I have been…' (oddly enough, not 'I have gone…'), 'I have eaten…', I have visited…', 'have been'): a common journalistic error, especially by sub-editors, who in America habitually put the predicate at the end of a phrase, deliberately or idiotically rendering the phrase ambiguous
Using the present past erroneously for the present (the nonsensical 'Encyclopedia Britannica have sued OpenAI…'. The correct English is of course 'EB is suing…').
Using the imperfect erroneously for the present past: 'was' and 'were' instead of 'has been' and 'have been' (a very annoying, very common error in online-speak)
Failing otherwise to correctly use the imperfect (and the much-neglected 'used to…')
Failing to correctly use the pluperfect
Imperfectly using the subjunctive: poorly understood, even less well employed. (Here's a double for you. What's the difference between 'on his return' and 'when he returns'? And shouldn't it be 'when he return'?)
Outrageous recent Americanisms, so distasteful I desist from giving examples. A bastardised version of English English, American English is rapidly deteriorating in legitimacy. American English — overwhelming in its pretentiousness, verbosity, pomposity ('transportation') and illiteracy ('like') — is always a poor substitute for English (note that some words of American English mean the opposite in English. 'Oversight' is one of them). You will never get any points worth having for ever using American English (nor would you ever want to if you can use the real thing).
It's worth mentioning that for all its variety — x senses of a particular word, x connotations of each sense etc. — English in the wrong hands can be an exasperating, ponderous, bombastic, verbose, unwieldly language (prolixity is a different issue, emanating — exuberantly in the right hands, as in James Thurber's 'happened, transpired, took place and occurred' — not from a deficiency but from an abundance of apposite words used correctly but wilfully tautologously, and otherwise superfluously unless expertly for literary effect).
Curiously for such a multi-dimensionally rich language, and perhaps especially for a language particularly well stocked with monosyllables, English is deficient in single words — cf. phrases — to describe certain common facts, circumstances and situations, and requires the use of convoluted constructions. (One can readily sympathise with Balzac's yearning for the French mot juste.)
Can you think of an English linguistic or literary situation in which one English word would serve for a contorted phrase and where that word does not exist? To get us started, I venture to suggest that English lacks a word for-
an honest man, and for a dishonest one. (So, apparently, in each case, do French, Spanish, Italian, Indian, Russian, Mandarin, Japanese, Swahili and — my favorite — 9th-century Mongolian.)
a person who is, and is not, a native English speaker (note the commas: they affect the sense).
Conversely, can you think of an or the English word that, though technically correct, is not serviceable? ('Interlocutor', etc.)
Unlike French in France, there's no cultural obstacle to the expedient literate coinage, by a genuine literatus anywhere, preferably from Latin or Greek, of respectable English words (cf. the coinage of gutterances by illiterate Americans). You may have noticed a few on this webpage.
"I want you to sit in front, so that everyone sees you are behind us."
Carlton-Browne of the F.O. (1959)